Thursday, January 17th, 2002
|
|
9:28 am - *bah*
|
Well OD is threatening to close down which sucks because it's helped me a lot as far as venting goes but I guess I'm always safe here...very few people know this exists and those who do stopped checking it a long time ago I'm sure.
So I started my second semester as a sophomore. I planned my roster so I have off friday, sweet huh? But I'm totally wiped out for the rest of the week. There isn't a day that I don't get to school after 7:30 or leave before 5 (or 7 depending on the day) but it keeps me busy so what should I care?
I've been sick recently...my lungs keep wanting to be coughed out of my body but I keep fighting it. I think my history teacher thought I might die in his class so he didn't call on me to explain why capitlism is so messed up (even though I wanted very badly to argue in on this topic but I couldn't when every other minute I was fighting to breath) My classes are all pretty great and the teachers all seem nice except my astronomy teacher who repeats everything 5 times and my computer teacher who seems to be a nazi bitch but *shrug* I have art again which is a plus...I'll have some way to vent besdies writing and punching things *beams*
Sean and I are...we just "are" if you know what I mean. He claims he's comfortable in the relationship and is confident I'm not going anywhere which is why he lacks all the emotional gooey mushy stuff that other take for granted. If he's comfortable now (11 months into our relationship) then what if we keep staying together? I mean basically he's telling me "This is as good as it gets" and I don't think I'm ready for that. I want excitement and romance and a guy who actually shows that he loves me all the time, not just when he's in a really good mood. Liz claims I should just break up with him but I don't wanna do that either...I dunno what I want anymore.
I seem to be thinking of Dennis a lot recently and that's not a good thing because it makes me miss him and makes me think that maybe breaking up with him was a bad move. It's been a year and I'm still not over him....is that normal? *sigh* I dunno, I think I'm just stuck in the past anymore and it sucks.
well i'm going to go I'll probably be back soon.
current mood: sick
current music: some music station...whatever
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, December 12th, 2001
|
|
12:12 am - Not like anyone missed me...
|
OD is down again and I feel the need to write. No one is online and I really wish someone was. I'm not in a good mood, I haven't been in a good mood lately actually.
Memories are haunting me. I suppose it's my own fault for even opening that drawer with all those old pics...pics of times when I was friends with people that are now enemies or shadows. Pics of times when I swore love would never fade...
I've been having mood swings lately...one minute I'll be very angry and disappointed and the next I'll want to cuddle and kiss...I hate fighting with Sean but that's all I seem to be doing.
My family won't leave me be.
I have been fighting with myself over eating.
I dont have enough $$ for xmas.
Ive been sleeping all the time and haven't been physically speaking much.
I need someone to talk to *sighs*
I cut tonite...a thin line on my left wrist down my vein *shudder* I didn't even notice I did it. One minute I'm lighting my yellow candle (for happiness) and crying and then shifting the razor over the flame mumoring about happiness and then I simply pressed the blade lightly on my wrist, snuffed the candle, wiped my tears and went to watch some movie. When I glanced down at my wrist awhile later theres a red line down my arm *sighs* oh well
current mood: confused
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, November 22nd, 2001
|
|
3:24 pm
|
So I went out last night to the bar with Sean. I like going to the bar mainly because there's always familiar faces, loud music and a real homey feeling. For awhile it was just me and the guys, I tried talking to Tommy somewhat but I think I scared him *smiles* I asked him about his braclet he wears and some hairbands he has on his wrist and I found out they were his girlfriends....I thought it was so sweet that he kept her hairbands on his wrist, I knew he really loved her. :) Nicole and Jen joined me after awhile and we stood by the game machines drinking and singing. We ended up playing erotic card games on the machine :) It was fun. Sean was being social, moving from one person to another...talking and laughing and then returning to kiss me or wrap his arms around me and pull me close to him. It was a nice night. I came home early and was really drunk. I talked to random people and had this overwhelming feeling of love :) it was cool. I'm really proud of myself because I didn't hit the depressed stage of drinking...I was actually just happy and then I hit horny but I passed out right about that time *hah* :)
So happy turkey day everyone. I dont eat turkey...just the fact that I can see them in a recognizable form gets to me :(
So Im off to stuff my face :) more later
current mood: bouncy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, November 18th, 2001
|
|
1:36 am - Look...it's me...being depressed...again
|
So Sean went to Penn State this weekend....as much as I said it wouldn't bother me it really does. I dont even know why. I think its because of how depressed Ive been lately, I just wanted to have him near and 4 hours away is not near! *sighs*
Needless to say I did cut and drown myself in tylenol PMs. Sean hasn't really talked to me...he called me but I didnt have the heart to pick up the phone...I wasnt ready to hear how great his weekend was without me.
I miss him a lot...I shouldnt miss him this much but I do.
The ex imed me...not only friday but tonite and he made me cry. I hate him for hurting me, for sayin sweet things and making my heart ache...I hate him for making me confused and for making me regret my decision...most of all I hate that I ever had to make that decision...that I had to leave him because of how fucked up everything was. Its true though...sometimes love isnt enough.
Nicole and I went to South Street. She was trying to make things better but it didnt work sadly. We went to a witch craft shop and I brought a bunch of candles that are for like making depression go away and to bring happiness and true love and "blah blah" I really liked the store...everyone was so nice and it smelled good and was warm and so...magical feeling. Im definitly going back to spend more money.
I babysat...the kids knew I was depressed so we watched movies all nite...sometimes I love those kids to death for understanding me perfectly.
Steve drove me home and we got stopped my the cops...go figure.
When I got in the house my parents started fighting with me and usually i dont cry when they do that...usually i just yell back but tonite I dropped my purse on the floor and ran bawling to my room where I locked the door and lit all the candles...i ended up cutting and burning my hand *sighs*
I dont know what else to write...
current mood: depressed
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, November 14th, 2001
|
|
11:01 am
|
OD is down so I'm here to write instead...
I went to Mickey's Great Grandmothers wake last nite...I hate wakes *ughh* especially the part where you have to kneel or stand in front of the coffin and look in at this pale, non-breathing person who really isnt even a person anymore but rather an empty shell *shudder* I didn't know Mickey's great grandmom but she was around 96 when she died.....96 years *wow* Her funeral wasn't like anybody eles Ive been to. At George's during the summer everyone was crying and clinging together, trying to remember the tall chubby boy who was always your friend through grade school. It was morbid and scary and I never want to go to a peers funeral again. When my next door neighbor died it was quiet and akward...people standing in clusters...not talking but gazing at something inivisible in the air. Last night was different, everyone was smiling and laughing, exchanging stories and jokes and it was comforting. If that we're my funeral I would have been delighted because it was so nice.
Sean has been sweet these past couple weeks, its weird...Im not use to it. I'm realy not use to having things feel so new for so long...it'll be a year in february but yet it feels like we just started going out and time is flying by.
Nicole likes Jose...shes actually getting to the "annoyingly obsessed point" and, as Jose commented, its going to make me want to "stab her in the head" *heheh* I thought that was funny. :)
I may go up to Penn state main campus this weekend...Im praying I do...depends on if my mom lets me...Christ, Im like the only 19 year old that has to ask permission to sleep over somewhere *screams* I hate it.
Anyway I'm writing a story so if anyone want's to read you should go to: (ill insert this in a min when OD's running again...it's at www.opendiary.com and the diary name is "Twin Logic")
ah well Im bored....later
current mood: aggravated
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
|
|
8:06 pm - True Love....faded
|
I saw his name online...I usually block him, keeping him from hurting me. I always hurt around him because he still has my heart. Just the sight of his screen names brings up thousands of memories or regret, misery and love. I started to read his profile on AIM and then I saw it. "Life is great.....*insert other things* and I have the greatest girlfriend ever! Love ya Eileen!" I gulped and froze...he had done it...he had cut the cord and broke my heart in those simple words and then I was sorry I ever fell in love with him.
current mood: gloomy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, November 4th, 2001
|
|
3:09 pm
|
The night started off okay. I slipped into my new jeans that I brought 2 weeks ago only to discover they were too big. I sighed and slipped on my belt but found out that didnt help because there werent enough loops in the belt to tighten it. I stood in the mirror looking at myself, had I lost that much weight? Sure you could see my collar bones now and some slight empty places behind them and my face had more structure to it but I hadnt lost that much weight. I pulled on my black tee and threw my hair up tying it with a black scarf. I rolled up the bottom of my jeans and slipped on my white flat sneakers and applied makeup and left for Seans. He asked me why I didnt wear the skirt. He commented on how I didn't look 50's I sighed and started beating myself up over this "You should have worn the skirt" "You should have worn different jeans or a different shirt" Sean went to get dressed and I waited. He looked good...he always looks good. I rolled his sleeves up for him and then we left walking to Tiska's house. When we got there everyone hooted and hollared at us, Franny kept calling me Sandy. I grabbed a cold beer out of the fridge and sat down but they kept saying things to me about Grease and what not. I guess it shouldnt have bothered me but I guess I never liked attention...cause it was always negative. Katelyn and Jill made me go with them to get changed. I sat on Jill's bed pulling a thread in my jeans wishing that they werent so big and didnt make me look fat. I watched Kate slip on her tights and short skirt and crimp her hair, she was going as an 80's girl and I bite my lip wondering why I hadn't picked something more flattering. Jill looked good in her Go Go outfit...decked out in pink with fishnets. Walking back to Tiska's with them I felt ugly and akward. We walked to the party, all of us...there was about 15 and I was the only girl (Jill and Kate got a ride) They stopped on corners and drank and talked while I stood and stared at street lights. We got to the party at 8:30 and I grabbed a beer wondering why in hell I couldnt look better. The night went on in a down tone. Janine was depressed cause Tiska was there and they had just broken up. My cousin was upset cause her boyfriend forced her to wear a toga (but yet she looked good) Sean ignored me mostly and I was left to play with the confetti ghosts that decorated the tables. After awhile I began to feel drunk and started dancing. I wanted Sean to dance so bad with me and when I walked over to him sitting with Janine he stood up and grabbed her hand, kissing my cheek he said he had to dance with her. I watched them on the floor. Him holding her and twirling her while she laughed. Nicole came up to me and asked if I wanted to dance. I danced with her and Sean was right behind me, I figured he would have cut in at one point but he didnt, when the song was done he simply went to sit down. He didnt dance with me all nite no matter how I begged him and it hurt me that he wouldnt. I continued dancing with Nicole and soon her boyfriend Danny joined us. I envied them, the way he loved her so much and wouldnt leave her out of his sight, the way he danced with her and swung her around stealing kisses whenever he could, the way he sat outside the girls bathroom waiting to make sure she was ok. And when they did have a small fight he followed her leaving me stranded by myself....but at least he followed her. I tried to remember a time when I got in a fight with a guy and he followed me to make sure I was alright and I couldnt remember it. After the party I went in the bathroom where all the girls I went to high school with were. They were giggling and taking pictures but not once did they say hi to me. I went in the bathroom and sat there crying for awhile and then I took the razor out of my purse and cut lightly. I went back out to the party fighting back tears and wadding my way through the crowd. I stopped to pick up my sweater and then I hugged Sean goodbye (not my boyfriend...another Sean) he is leaving for the army monday. he hugged me tight and promised hed write and told me to be good. I walked off in a daze, winding through couples dancing and groups of people giggling and hugging. I found my boyfriend but he was talking to Mickey so I turned to go outside and leave. I saw Sean (the other one again) walking out and he spotted me over the crowds and smiled at me, pointing to me and saying "be good" and then he slipped out the door.
current mood: crushed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, November 1st, 2001
|
|
7:14 pm - Lonely
|
You never really know just how alone you are until you go out for a walk. There I was walking along 4th street, cigarette in hand trying to find the reason why Jose was so mad at me. I fumbled with my phone, flipping through numbers trying to find one person I could call to take my mind off of what I was thinking. The night had turned disasterous, all the things that were supposed to be so perfect turned out horrible and had taken a turn out of sight. I was supposed to be home by 3 but didnt get home until 4. I cleaned my room while I waited for my phone to ring, telling me Sean was home and I could be free of what seemed to be a prison but the phone never rang. I waited forever and decided to come online. Jose came on and kind of blew up at me, leaving me very confused and hurt. Then Sean called me and I felt a like something had been lifted off of me but I found out he had work and felt a sudden downess. I knew I needed out so I tied my sneakers and thats what brought me walking around. I feed myself ciggarettes, hoping to drown myself in nicotine. I walked to Nicoles work and saw her briefly, she talked about Jose mostly and the phone convos they had been having then she slipped in the back door of her work leaving me with my ciggarettes again. I sat on the corner and pulled out my wallet, opening up the coin purse I took out the shiny object I had stolen from the bio lab early. I lit my lighter and ran the flame across the blade, watching it glow slightly and light a blue color. I stopped and slipped the razor back in my purse, as bad as I felt I didnt feel like having to wear cuts to my cousins wdding. I walked to Toms and drank an ice tea and ate a slice of pizza...I never felt so disconnected from the world before....so I came home and back to that dark feeling that seemed to grow inside my bedroom walls
current mood: lonely
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Monday, October 29th, 2001
|
|
9:22 pm - *poof* Gone.
|
Sanity takes a millisecond to break down, those walls you built up inside yourself suddenly start to weaken and you begin to mend it by placing some bandaids here and there and ignoring the holes you cant help but then when you turn your back to look at a passing day the wall crumples and falls on top of you, therefore preventing you from building up the wall again until you can fight through the rubble.
But the rubbles deep this time and everytime you think you reached the top you realize it's just another layer, a diversion to make yourself believe your getting better and that you don't need help but soon you feel like you'll never get out, you'll never be able to breath normal again. So then you sit and start to think...what are your options? Keep digging until you reach the top or drop dead. Ask for help from someone near. Or resort to old ways of dealing. You pick option 3 mainly because your not sure you'll ever reach the top and your not one for burdening other people. So instead you start to break apart everything you took so long to build up and suddenly your fighting with yourself "Why didnt you choose option 2?" or "You could be dead and not have to deal with this with option 1" Logical excuses, right? So instead you sit twisted in your web you created waiting for someone to rescue you or for you to finally turn to someone and ask for help before you destroy yourself totally...but you realize no one around you notices what kind of situation your in so now you either ask.....or you die....
current mood: restless
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
|
Sunday, October 28th, 2001
|
|
12:56 am - Monster Mash
|
I didn't think I made a cute fifties girl and it took a lot of courage for me to walk down my street dressed up but I did it! I went to Seans and his parents were saying how cute I looked and his sisters said I made a good sandra dee and sean just sat there smiling. He fought with me a little, he doesnt like dressing up so he was somewhat miserable (but all he had to wear was a white shirt, blue jeans, black boots and a black leather jacket...whats the big deal?) So then we went to the party. It was fun, lots of chattering and family junk going on. I took LOADS of pics so I'll post them on my website when I get them back.
Anyway Im feeling a tad bit better.....tired and sore but better :)
current mood: content
current music: "Someday" -Soundtrack from "My best friends wedding"
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Saturday, October 27th, 2001
|
|
5:30 pm
|
So here I sit in my poodle skirt and my bobby socks and I feel like a great big idiot *laughs* I love getting dressed up but *shrugs* I dunno. *hehe*
Today I went shopping with Nicole. I met her and we brought ciggs and then as we were walking we see this guy dressed up as a cell phone (he was soooo cute) because I knew place opened on Oregon Avenue. So anyway he walks up to us and hugs Nicole and then turns to me and offers me his hand. I pouted and said "Dont I get a hug" and then he threw open his arms and I hugged him....he was sooooo cute *laughs* So we went to pathmark and I brought candy and flowers and a stuffed ghost for Seans mom and then we went back to take a picture but he was gone :( So nicole and I went to eat and junk...nothing eventful...the cell phone guy was the highlite of my day *smiles*
well im off to the halloween party :)
current mood: embarrassed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
12:31 am - Late at night
|
I don't know if this is just me but do emotions seem stronger at night? I always feel so intense and deep at night...that can be a good and a bad thing.
Today was uneventful. I got paid. I went to class. I worked on a webpage. I went to work. I thought about suicide. I wrote out the letter in my head. I tried to think of 5 people who really love me. I tried to remember if I was ever normal. I admitted I have a mental disorder. I want help but I dont know how to get it and Im scared that what happened last time I got it will happen again.
I went to Sean's house tonight. We had sex (who didn't see that coming?) but thats all it is is fucking...its not emotional, its not magical...its not making love. I wonder what its like to make love. To have it be soft and slow and magical....I dont think I'll ever know.
On my way home tonite, walking up my street I looked up at the moon. It was foggy out and the moon looked errie and all I could think was "this is the last time Im going to be looking at this moon" which is totally false cause I know I wont kill myself...not now anyway. I walked up to my house and saw someone run out of my next door neighbors house. I did a double take and whispered "Danny?" Danny is my best friend (from when I was little) brother. He was like a big brother to me until one day he just up and left for the army. I froze on my step and watched the blond haired boy check over the red car and cross back across the street. He ran past me and I choked out "Hi danny" before he ran in the house and slammed the door. right then I felt as if the past had vanished on me and everything I meant to people at one time didnt mean anything now....cause now I was nothing
current mood: lonely
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
Friday, October 26th, 2001
|
|
9:21 am - Back track
|
I don't know what brought it on last night...perhaps it was the episode in the shower or just me torturing myself with memories but I didn't feel good. I glanced at the list that my teacher gave me about things to do when you feel down. One I had highlighted was "talk to people" So I did but no one listened...they wer either busy or didn't care. I flipped on my TV trying to find distraction but instead found more to stir up memories. There was a news report on anorexia and about diet pills...etc. I watched and they were talking about websites that promoted thiness so what do I do? Of course I go online and look this sites up and soon I'm wrapped back into the world I lived in when I was 15. The starvation, the obsession, the low self confidence and the feeling of being ugly. After I became bored of these sites I decided to do some checking up on old friends by reading their profiles. My one friend Stephanie had a new webpage so I went to see it and I felt like I had been punhed hard in the stomach. There she was, smiling....BEAMING. She was so beautiful. Short blond hair that feel to her shoulders, pale white skin and so thin. I felt sick. I wanted to be like that. I felt like I wanted to cry so I got offline and crawled into bed. I turned off the lights and stared at my ceiling. Sean called me. We didn't really talk at first, just sat there as I stammered around my room fumbling through old drawers looking for my journal I had written a year ago when I was in deep depression. I couldnt find it but found a million other things that reminded me of who I was. I was thin once, I was confident, I was a loner but yet I had friends, I was loved, I was free, I was happy...now look where I am. I doubt my boyfriend really knows me and my friends just dont seem to care. I felt like throwing myself up against the wall and screaming but instead I broke into tears. I dont remember how we got on the topic of my weight but Sean thinks Im anorexic now. He told me I'm out of control and thats why Im so tired and moody all the time. He claims he never sees me eat anything except every once in awhile I'll eat a meal. I claim he's wrong...I only eat when I'm hungry, like a normal person, whats wrong with that? And I'm tired simply because I don't get enough sleep. But what he said made me choke up. I was dazed. He said he was going to bed, I was hurt and upset and lonely but he left and I wandered into my bathroom fumbling around in the medicine cabinet looking for sleeping pills. I couldnt find any but I found tylenol PMs and popped 5 of them and went and laid down. As I started to fall asleep all I could think about was....
Sometimes I just feel like dying....
now is one of those times.
current mood: pessimistic
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Thursday, October 25th, 2001
|
|
10:40 pm - Something I stole from Amy
|
5 Things I Am Afraid Of:
loneliness
cutting
dying
rejection
losing someone
5 Things That Make Me Laugh:
my friends
my dogs
some TV shows
Sean's dad (Billy...he's INSANE!)
Sean
5 Things That Make Me Cry:
Memories
relationships
failure
fighting
death
5 People I Love:
Sean
my friends
my dogs (hey they're people!)
my family (I love them...I dont LIKE them)
Sean's family
5 Things I Love:
drawing
pictures
writing
music
flowers
5 Things I Don't Understand:
LIFE
romance
some subjects in school
stereo types
grudges
5 Things In The Room I'm In Now:
pictures
my brush
my cell phone
my winnie the pooh slippers
1 of my dogs
5 things I'm good at:
listening
being thoughtful (doing little things for friends)
writing
drawing
dwelling on things
5 things I suck at:
LIFE *heh*
finding a man who wants to be romantic
doing things under pressure
being confident
making decisions
5 Facts About Me:
I'm 19
I'm insane *hah*
I have NO self esteem
I'm a recovering (sorta *weird look*) cutter
I dont have any clue where Im going in life
5 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die:
get HAPPILY married
have kids
have a good job
Travel
see Sam in that flower girl dress *laughs*
5 Singers/Groups I Love:
The Beatles
Third Eye Blind
Billy Joel
Led Zeppelin
The Doors
current mood: rejected
current music: Furious Rose - Lisa Loeb
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
9:58 pm
|
I stood there choking back the tears, letting the hot water run down my body as the radio played distantly in the background. Why did he have to say it? He struck a nerve deep inside, something that I had hidden away, something I wanted to forget. I could still the words ringing in my ears, "You deserved to be hit in your past relationships....." I squeezed my eyes tighter together and started to sob. Ever if he had said it jokingly, which we never established, it still hurt. Did he have any clue what I went through? 11 years old and having my boyfriend get his rottweiler after me, biting my arm all because I had broken up with him after 10 months of abuse. The way he would hit me with the metal bat on his key chain or stamp on my foot or run his tire wheel across my chest leaving burn marks...it all seemed so innocent until my friends confronted me. Then after that relationship it just continued a pattern of mental and physical abuse.
"Your not good enough"
"You so messed up, it's all in your head"
"You just want attention"
"You should have done it right the first time (in reference to slitting my wrist)"
He didn't know about the night with Dennis when I curled up in the dark corner and cried while Dennis sent chairs flying and shoes at me because I had poured my heart out to Justin. I burst into tears at this point just thinking about it, I took the razor sitting by my radio and cut a thing deep line across my toe...I felt the pain but saw no blood. When I stepped out of the shower it started flowing. I pressed the skin together making it bleed more and watched as I cried. It was the last place anyone would ever look....and if someone asks, I dropped the razor.
current mood: depressed
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
|
4:39 pm
|
Jen just IMed me and told me her and Mickey broke up *is in shock* I don't like this. Supposedly he broke up with her last night and basically said "We're too far apart (she lives up on campus like 4 hours away) and I dont have any time to give to you so I feel like Im not a good boyfriend (he works a lot)" Anyway it sucks cause now Im all thinking "Oh Christ, hes going to get back with Deana!" but I pray to god thats not true. He also said they'd get back after she was done college but thats far off and who knows what'll happen by then.
Isn't it weird how your life can change in an instant...one night you go to bed dreaming about your significant other and next night they could be gone. Its so sad.
On the other hand I'm talking to Jason. I miss him so much he's so far away. *pouts*
For some reason my heads all cloudy and I don't feel good......
current mood: shocked
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
1:40 pm
|
Fall is such a beautiful time of year. I was walking outside on the ramp that connects one building to another and I was smoking my ciggarette and watching the people scurry around down below. When I turned the corner there is a view of the rest of campus which is mostly trees and things...well when I turned the corner today I looked up and saw all these leaves falling...not falling but rather fluttering to the ground making it all gold and brown and red....it was soooo beautiful *sighs deeply remembering* Thats why I love my campus so much...it really makes fall look beautiful...living in the city I never really saw the whole thrill about fall. What I really want is some apple cider, pumpkin pie, a ride on a hayride and then a bon fire *yum* I remember when my best friend and I did it one year. We went to Linvilla orchards and played around in the maze and picked pumpkins and then I met my boyfriend and one of his friends and we all went on the ride...(well actually the guys stayed behind because they were supposed to be "working") after the ride everyone gathered around a HUGE bon fire and just talked...it was sooooooooooooo nice.
My day was ok...I havent been eating that much "real" food. I've ben snacking a lot though: Nutrigrain bar, half an apple, 5 crackers and a caramel egg. *sighs* thats not a lot *shrugs* Oh well I'll make a lean cuisine dinner when I get home. Right now Im going to go work on my webpage.
current mood: thoughtful
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
9:54 am
|
I am so bored that I can't even think ro what to type so I'm probably just going to ramble.
I lost so much weight it's kind scarey. I don't know if that maybe be why I havent been feeling well *shrugs* I have been eating....a normal amount actually. Jose told me instead of starving myself I should snack throughout the day and that's what I've been doing and I feel better about it. I haven't been to the gym in 2 days and I wont be going today or tomorrow. I've been feeling too dizzy so instead I'm just going to do my tummy crunches and leg lifts and call it a day. The black pants that were way tight on me fit me with a little room now...I only brought those pants 2 weeks ago and I only wore them one other time before I wore them today. *sighs* Whatever...I'm losing weight...I'm happy.
I have to go shopping tonite for more supplies for my halloween costume. *joy* I really don't feel like doing it. I feel like laying on the couch in an old pair of sweats and watching a movie (like BLOW which I still want to see!) But since Jen's back she'll probably wanna go out for a bit. I suppose it would do me good to go out...only thing is when we go out we end up driving around for an hour and then going home because we're bored. *sighs*
I need to buy a camera and take pictures. I have the sudden urge to just snap tons of photos...of course this wont happen but *shrug*
Ok Im going to go finish my lab report
current mood: weird
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
|
|
10:52 pm - Serious Business
|
Why is this on my mind? Why after so much time is it coming back? Sure I was always thinking about it in the back of my mind but this is different...this time I can feel it, it takes all my power not to pick up that razor again. I think about it, I plan, I plead and argue with myself. Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? Doesn't anyone see the silent struggle? Doesn't Sean notice the way I scratch my wrist when I'm upset? Doesn't Jen notice my silence when she mentions anything about razors or blood? Doesn't anyone notice who quiet I was? Doesn't anyone notice how loud I've been lately? (a distraction) Doesn't anyone?! I feel so helpless and alone, it's scary. I need to do something about it...and soon.
current mood: scared
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
8:30 pm - What a day!
|
Well I finally stopped sneezing but not without some sort of punishment. I didn't get home until 6 and I felt really crappy. My mom said I looked really pale and that I should stop excersing *nods* yea okay! *hah*
I went to Sean's and his mom gave me claritin that helped soooooo much! *yay for Rita* I ironed Sean's shorts for him and then sat in the kitchen with Freddy, Rita, Billy and Sean. Freddy turned to me and said we all needed mental help, especially me. I smiled and asked why me especially and he said "because your the only normal one" *hah* if only he knew! It's weird how I can talk to these people all the time but none of them really knows about me. I guess it would actually be helpful for me to talk to Freddy, maybe he can help but I don't know...thats something serious to think about.
So then Mickey showed up at Seans and drove me to pathmark to get essentials. We stopped for gas before and this car pulls up next to us...it was Dennis' cousin, Dana. We use to be best friends but then she back stabbed me and we got in a huge fight. Anyway when she was driving out of the station she gave me the finger *sighs* It kinda bothered me even though I know it shouldn't...I'm just sensitive.
Then I went in Pathmark and brought my stuff but found my cell phone missing...thank God it was in Mickey's car *sigh of relief* So now I just have to do my lap report and I'm done....but for some reason I'm feeling down *sighs* Oh well.
current mood: depressed
current music: "Bad Day" - Fuel
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
iridescentwish's journal